Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
