I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
