actually, I'm a sock model
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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