My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
