Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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