Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize