I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
