Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
