bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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