i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
