made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
