so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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