I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize