He uses pillows to masturbate.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
