ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
