I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
