She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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