Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
is this the sara with the beer cane?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
