I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
