I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
