i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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