the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
