how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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