I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I cut my penus on the lid.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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