i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
