Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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