Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
