this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
