Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize