i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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