"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
