the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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