youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
