Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
