You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it glows. i had to have it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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