yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
