The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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