Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
