He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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