I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
