saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
