why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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