I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
