i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
