Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
