Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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