The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
