did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize