Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
