Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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