I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
