sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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