I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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