This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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